


The Detectives of Penzance

by SCFrankles



Category: Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle, The Pirates of Penzance (1983)
Genre: Community: watsons_woes, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 12:05:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7714255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCFrankles/pseuds/SCFrankles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holmes and Watson go to Penzance to visit Watson's acquaintance, Major-General Stanley. But crime finds Holmes everywhere...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Detectives of Penzance

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Watson's Woes JWP 2016 Amnesty Prompts:
> 
>  **The Sea!** _An adventure on the sea, at the sea, or under the sea. Granted, Captain Watson isn't a navy captain, but still..._
> 
> and
> 
>  **What's a Character Like You doing in a Place like 221B?:** _Crossover happens._
> 
>  
> 
> Holmes and Watson are the creations of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The Pirates of Penzance is the work of W.S. Gilbert & Arthur Sullivan. The 1983 film was directed by Wilford Leach.
> 
> (Word of warning: this was written pretty quickly over the course of a couple of days and hasn't been betaed ^^")
> 
> * * *

Like Holmes I am not a man with many close friends but I do have several acquaintances dotted about the country with whom I am on excellent terms. And it is a pleasure to occasionally receive an invitation from one or other of these acquaintances and so get away from London for a few days. 

Not long ago I received an invitation for Holmes and myself to spend a week or two in Cornwall. Our host was a military man whom I had met through Colonel Hayter—a Major General Stanley. He had been long retired by the time the Colonel and I found ourselves in Afghanistan but he was often called upon to regale the troops with tales of his experiences. Holmes had been working hard recently and as his friend and physician I felt he could do with some rest but I hoped too that he might find the General interesting. 

And so one warm spring morning, Holmes and I set off for Penzance. Our train journey went without incident and having alighted at the railway station, we found a dog-cart waiting for us to take us to our final destination, Tremorden Castle. As it was with our visit to Colonel Hayter many years before, I had only managed to persuade Holmes to accompany me by emphasising General Stanley’s household was a bachelor one. I had thought it simplest at the time not to go into further details but now as we jogged along, Holmes glaring at the scenery, I thought it might intrigue my friend if I offered a little more information. 

“Here’s a jolly paradox for you, Holmes!” I exclaimed cheerfully. “As I told you, the General has indeed never married. He has a most unusual family though— _eight_ daughters, no less! They were all Wards in Chancery, you see and he most kindly agreed to take them in and—”

I suddenly realised Holmes was not paying me any attention but was instead tugging on the driver’s sleeve and gesturing vigorously back in the direction of whence we had come.

I rolled my eyes. 

“Holmes!”

He turned to look at me, startled. “What?”

“You wretched man!” I sighed heavily. “His daughters don’t live with him any longer—they have all been married some years!”

I nodded to the bemused driver to carry on, and turned back to Holmes. 

“In fact, they are the girls who married the famous Pirates of Penzance. Well…” I considered my statement. “...the pirates are famous in these parts at least. Don’t you remember me showing you the clippings?”

Holmes raised an eyebrow. “Ah, yes…” 

I could see he was intrigued, and I was relieved to be able to leave him rooting around in his brain-attic for the rest of the short journey.

 

 

We reached Tremorden Castle and as the cart came to a halt outside the entrance, the General himself came out to greet us. He was still the same goodnatured man I recalled, with a splendid handlebar moustache and impressive muttonchops.

“Good afternoon! Good afternoon!” He beamed at us both. 

“Good afternoon, General.” I indicated Holmes. “May I introduce Mr. Sherlock Holmes?”

“Delighted, sir!”

He shook Holmes’s hand heartily and then mine, and he led us into the castle.

His housekeeper showed us to our rooms and then the General invited us to take a walk round the grounds with him while our midday meal was being prepared. I have to say I was most impressed by the fountain, the maze and the picturesquely ruined chapel but I could see Holmes was bored. I began to worry it had perhaps been a mistake bringing him.

At last we ended up walking in the peace of the orchard. 

The General gestured widely. “You can be sure of plenty of quiet while you are here!” 

Holmes’s shoulders began to tense though happily the General did not appear to notice. He took his watch out and consulted it.

“I will just go and see if our repast is ready. I don’t think it can be much longer.”

With a smile, he left us. Holmes sighed and I turned to him, my heart sinking.

“Holmes, we’re here now. We might as well try to…”

But I got no further. A head suddenly appeared from behind a nearby tree, looked frantically from side to side and then fixed its stare on us.

“Has he gone?” said a well-modulated male voice.

The head and its accompanying body came out from behind the tree. It was a man of similar age to Holmes and myself—in rough though flamboyant clothing, and with curly hair attempting to escape in all directions. 

I immediately wished I had brought my gun out with me instead of leaving it in my luggage, and cast my eyes about for something else I could use as a weapon.

Holmes as ever read my thoughts. 

“Do not be concerned, Watson.” He smiled at the newcomer. “This is one of the General’s sons-in-law, I believe. The erstwhile Pirate King?”

Patently the recent time Holmes had spent in his brain-attic had not been wasted.

The man grinned. “Quite correct, Mr. Holmes. I now usually go by the Earl of Pippinborough.”

“Pippinborough?” I furrowed my brow. “I’m sorry—I can’t immediately think where that is.”

“That’s because it doesn’t exist, Watson.” Holmes raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that right, Lord Pippinborough?”

“Er, that is true…” 

The Earl gave an awkward smile. 

“You see, some time ago, when my colleagues and I were on the point of being arrested, our maid of all work, Ruth…” 

The Earl waved a hand vaguely. 

“She may have told the teensiest white lie.”

“That you were all peers of the realm?” Holmes was smiling.

“Indeed.” The Earl looked down. “Well, it would have impolite to correct her in front of everybody! And it meant the General’s daughters were allowed to marry us, and we wouldn’t be going to gaol so…”

He looked up at Holmes and me.

“We went along with it! We took false titles and every so often we all pretend to go up to London to fulfil our duties. Everyone is content!”

I frowned. “But how do you all support your wives?”

“Ah.” The Earl looked away again. “Well, now.” He cleared his throat. “You see, we all agreed that the sea was in our blood and that’s where our futures lay. So my former apprentice Frederic suggested we join the Merchant Navy.”

I nodded. “A noble choice.”

“Yes…” The Earl still was not looking at us. “And Frederic did indeed join them but the rest of us…”

He glanced up briefly and away again.

“We decided to go back to being pirates.”

“Good heavens!” 

I shook my head in shock.

“Don’t judge us too harshly,” said the Earl hastily. “We decided we would only steal from other pirates. So we only plunder what has already been plundered!”

“I’m still not sure that—” I began.

But the Earl ploughed on. 

“Everything has been going well but recently—” He turned to look at Holmes. “Something dreadful happened! And Papa-in-law has often mentioned knowing the famous Dr. Watson, so I suggested to him that he might invite you both down for a visit. I didn’t tell him why of course, but I hoped that it might allow me to beg for your help. The thing is, you see—when I was last at sea, I lost my Flossie Sweetikins!”

Holmes furrowed his brow. It is not often I have seen him so confused. “Your… ship?”

The Earl stared at him. “Florence. My wife. My Countess!”

He pulled a small photograph from his shirt, and thrust it towards us. 

Holmes took it, and the two of us looked upon a tall and voluptuous blonde lady posing awkwardly in a bonnet.

The Earl whipped the photograph away again and gazed at it despairingly.

“She knew the truth, and wanted to come with me and see me at my work as any affectionate wife would. And foolishly I agreed! Then during a boarding of the ship belonging to the Pirates of Looe, I was distracted and…” He waved an arm. “The bachelor Looe King kidnapped my Flossie!”

He stuffed the picture back into his shirt, 

“And I cannot tell the General. He’ll tell Frederic and my sister-in-law Mabel, and they’ll be Most Disappointed in me. I cannot tell the Sergeant of Police, even though he is married to Ruth because he will have no choice but to arrest us all.”

The Earl went to his knees and clasped his hands together.

“Please, Mr. Holmes! You are my only hope! You must find her for me! You must!”

He flung out his arms and bowed his head.

There was a pause.

Holmes and I glanced at one another, and Holmes cleared his throat.

“The bachelor Looe King..? So you believe the King has kidnapped the Countess to marry her? But surely that is impossible as she is already married?”

“Yes!” The Earl looked up. “And what will he do when he finds out? Perhaps he will throw her overboard! Perhaps he will abandon her on an island!”

He got to his feet.

“It has already been two days! I cannot bear it!”

He put his hands to his face.

“Oh, Flossie! My beloved! Will I never see you again?”

Whatever Holmes’s shortcomings, he has always been a kind man. He took a few steps forward and patted the Earl on the shoulder.

“Have no fear, old fellow. I will investigate. I will find her.”

The Earl took his hands away and attempted to give Holmes a smile. 

 

 

The first thing Holmes did was examine the Earl’s ship, and after a thorough examination of the deck, he held up a golden ring.

The Earl almost snatched it in his haste. “Flossie’s wedding ring! She must have slipped it off when she was snatched! The brave and noble woman—she must have known her only hope of safety was pretending she was still unattached.”

“So the lady has bought us some time…” said Holmes thoughtfully. “Excellent! Now I believe I need to speak to someone who resides in this vicinity…”

 

 

Holmes went on his own to speak to Jago Fiddock, a Doctor of Divinity, and reported back to the Earl and me at the ship.

“Lord Pippinborough, Dr. Fiddock is well-known throughout Cornwall and I knew he had married you and the Countess and all your comrades and your sisters-in-law. And so I believe he would be the Looe King’s first choice for arranging his nuptials. I subtly inquired but the Doctor has not been approached lately for any ‘discreet’ weddings. So we can assume the Looe King has not yet made any attempt to marry your wife.”

Holmes looked out to sea and back at the Earl.

“And my thoughts are that the King will wait—until more maidens have been abducted and so more of his men can be married with him. Popping backwards and forwards to the mainland for weddings can only draw attention to them all. Best to do all the unions in one fell swoop.”

I stared at Holmes. “Surely you can’t mean to wait until the Looe Pirates choose to come back to Penzance?”

Holmes shook his head.

“No, I believe our best choice is to attract the rascals to us. Attract them by giving them what they want…”

And he gave me an oddly considering look. 

 

 

You would think I would have learnt by now, but it was still a surprise to find myself that night on the deck of a pirate ship, dressed in one of the Countess of Pippinborough’s prettiest frocks. Holmes himself was dressed in snug breeches, a shirt open nearly to the waist and was swishing a cutlass through the air.

I adjusted my veil and frowned at him. “I really don’t see why I have to be the maiden. You have far more experience in feminine disguises.”

“Ah, but you don’t know how to handle a sword.” 

Holmes swished the cutlass once again. 

I narrowed my eyes. “You just wanted to dress up as a pirate, didn’t you?”

“No…” 

Holmes did not quite meet my eyes. 

I shook my head and sighed.

The plan was a simple one. We would just talk softly together in the moonlight and wait—the idea being that the Looe Pirates would be attracted by my womanly form, swiftly overcome Holmes and carry me off to their ship. The Earl and his colleagues would then appear from down below and they and Holmes would follow on. The Penzance Pirates would serve to keep the other pirates busy while Holmes, the Earl and I found the Countess.

However, dawn came and there was still no sign of the Looe Pirates’ ship. 

I yawned hugely.

“Tired, dear boy?”

Holmes seemed entirely unaffected by our vigil but I had to admit it had taken its toll on me.

I nodded and Holmes patted my arm. 

“I will fetch you a strong cup of coffee.” 

And he disappeared below.

He seemed to be a terribly long time fetching the coffee, and I was almost dozing when suddenly I found myself grabbed from behind—a rough hand was quickly across my mouth and I was hefted over a shoulder. I cursed to myself at being taken unawares like this and I almost kicked my assailant to free myself. Luckily I remembered in time the part I was supposed to be playing. 

As my captor hurried me towards another ship alongside, I yelled in a ladylike way as possible.

“Ernesto! Ernesto!”

At the sound of his persona’s name, Holmes galloped up to deck, throwing the door wide. I could see the Earl and his colleagues were close behind.

The pirate holding me threw me onto the other ship. I fell hard onto the rough wood of the deck and then heard the thud of my assailant’s feet as he landed beside me.

He attempted to grab me again but I pulled myself away from him and hurriedly got to my feet. I was surrounded by the Looe Pirates but Holmes and the others were already pouring onto the ship.

I drew my pistol out of my bodice and threw myself into the fray.

 

 

The Penzance Pirates rapidly got the upper hand. The sword fight was still in progress as the Earl, Holmes and I searched for the Countess, but we were confident that our side would be the victor.

We at last discovered the Countess shut up in the Looe King’s cabin. 

She beamed as we entered—eyes only for the Earl.

“Pip-Pip! My love!”

She got up from the small table where she had been sitting and waved an empty rum bottle at him a little unsteadily.

“You don’t need to worry! I’ve emptied out a bottle to use a weapon!”

The Earl looked a little uncertain. “But did you need to empty it by drinking it, my angel?”

The Countess frowned. “What?”

“It matters not, dearest.” 

The Earl caught her in his arms, dipped her, and kissed her passionately.

This reunion with her spouse clearly eased the agitated mind of the Countess, as she became abruptly unconscious.

As we heard the gentle snores rising, Holmes and I exchanged a look, and retired to the diminishing battle in order to give the couple some moments of privacy. 

 

 

And that is almost the end of my story. 

The Looe Pirates were not handed over to the police. As Holmes said, this would likely mean the Earl being arrested too. But he had a stern word with them, and also explained about putting discreetly worded advertisements in the agony columns of certain newspapers in the hope of attracting willing brides. I believe this worked and they are now all happily attached. 

Holmes spent the rest of our stay in Penzance wearing his pirate costume and sailing with the Earl and the rest of the ennobled pirates ‘making sure they did nothing against the law’. Or so he said. I chose not to probe too deeply. And it did mean I was able to read, take walks on the beach, and talk to the General without hearing endless sighing and complaining.

Yes, it was on the whole a most successful trip to Penzance.

I think I may take the next one on my own though.


End file.
